I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
