i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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