I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
