She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
