i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
