haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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