wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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