one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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