I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
