Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
