There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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