I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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