i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
