Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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