I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
