Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
