i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i drank out of a bidet.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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