Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i now understand why vodka
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
ok first of all what the fuck
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
