Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
