Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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