I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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