i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
