I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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