I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
