I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Damn victory sex feels great
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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