my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
