Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
