her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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