can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
