...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
