My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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