Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
