I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
