he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
