Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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