don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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