ya dads aren't the best wingmen
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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