I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
