??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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