Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Actions speak louder than pants.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
