I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
