I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
