My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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