My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
