Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
