life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
