Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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