I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
