if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
