she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
