my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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